


Blue Veins

by Alice_vs_Wonderland



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies), Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 20:53:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11216085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_vs_Wonderland/pseuds/Alice_vs_Wonderland
Summary: I got a request on Tumblr about Jack having a panic attack in front of Hiccup and their friends, so here we go. Enjoy.





	Blue Veins

Their eager legs powered them through the shimmering snow, the deep powder crunching under their winter boots. The sky stretched above them, crisp and a sharp blue that almost ached in Hiccup’s eyes against the blinding white landscape. He could hear Fishlegs’ heavy breathing from behind him, struggling to keep up.

“The last one to reach the bottom is a pile of penguin shit!” Jack yelled, rushing towards the edge of the giant hill that overlooked the lake below. Countless houses stretched on behind the water, distant, dark shapes. To Hiccup, they seemed small enough to crush with his fingers. Jack clutched his sled under his arm as he ran. It was just a cheap, blue, plastic sled but Jack carried it like he was in the Olympics and this would bring him victory.

Hiccup grinned. Bitter souls might find Jack’s childish glee grating and invasive, but to him, it would always be soothing and bubbly and endless, a permanent sanctuary. “Always so cocky, Snowcone!” he yelled and ran faster after his boyfriend. The snow was heavy against his foot and his prosthetic. The chilly breeze scraped his cheeks with its burning fingertips.

“Oh, you’re on, Jackie!” Flynn said, speeding past Hiccup. His sled was an old-fashioned wooden sled. He claimed they were better and “more stylish for a handsome guy like me.”

Hiccup could see Jack’s mischievous grin every time Jack looked back over his shoulder. “What’s the matter, Haddock? Can’t keep up?” he taunted him. “I’m just giving you a fighting chance, Snowflake!” Hiccup yelled back and put all his energy into getting his legs to move faster. His thigh muscles prickled from fighting his way through the snow. Rapunzel caught up with him and sent him a cheeky grin. He laughed, breathless. Her long braid danced from side to side on her back, while she put all her energy into getting closer to Jack and Flynn. Her laughter was bubbles of warmth in the winter air.  

The long slope that stretched from the edge of the hill and towards the lake looked steeper every year. A surge of excitement spread inside him. He loved the rush of adrenaline and the delightful tickling in his stomach that came from rushing down the hill. “Come on, Hiccup, we can beat them!” Fishlegs said and slammed his two-person sled into the snow. They were standing in a row now, sleds on the ground, him and Fishlegs to the far right.

“Of course, we can,” he said and hopped onto the sled behind Fishlegs, grabbing the handles, “They’re no match for two Vikings!” Technically, their ancestors were Vikings, but shush, all Scandinavians are Vikings, that’s just common knowledge. And Vikings don’t like losing.

“You wish, assholes!” Jack shouted and took off down the hill. Flynn was one second behind, letting out an incoherent battle cry. Rapunzel followed, a scream of delight shooting out of her. Fishlegs shoved his hands into the snow and pushed their sled off the edge. Hiccup’s breath was stuck inside his lungs. He clutched his fingers tighter around the handles. The world rushed past them, blurry and insignificant, like they were the center of existence. Their laughter echoed among the snow dusted pine trees.

The feeling of freedom was a rare gift. Life was packed with restrictions, with expectations and rules and hurt, with everything that made you curl in on yourself and scream about things that used to be and things that would never be. Freedom tasted like the swooping feeling in his gut, while the sled flew down the hill and the trees hurried past him, it tasted like the laughter turning his mouth dry, and the way his friends’ joy was like snowflakes in their eyes.

Rapunzel’s braid flapped in the wind, delivering perfect slaps to an invisible person’s cheeks. Jack was in the lead, easy to spot by his bright, blue jacket with snowflakes on it. Flynn and Rapunzel were close behind, but Hiccup and Fishlegs were gaining on them. “I told you we could get them!” Fishlegs cried out, his voice shrill with excitement.

“Let’s not celebrate too soon!” Hiccup said and laughed. He savored the buzz in his blood and the way his hair whipped all around him in the wind. “But I’d love to wipe that smile off Jack’s face!”

“I’m coming to get you, Jackie!” Flynn yelled. Jack’s only response was a loud laughter that traveled through the wind. Hiccup would recognize Jack’s variations of laughter anywhere. This one was confident, like Flynn was no more of a threat to him than a child who had jumped off his sled to eat some questionable, yellow snow.

Hiccup breathed in, the scents of crisp air and Fishlegs’ jacket in his nostrils. Affection swirled and popped in his chest over and over, like cracking hard candy between his teeth. He was warm; made of joyful smiles and reminders of love. Freedom was rare, yes. Those moments where peace settled over you, folding gently across your muscles, your skin, your bones, soft and delicate like a layer of raindrops. It’s dreamlike and temporary; morning dew before the sun drinks it, pale fog before the air dissolves it. Perhaps that’s what makes it a moment of beauty; knowing it would soon vanish and leave your heart and mind exposed to the world’s angry bitemarks.

They were rushing closer and closer to the bottom of the hill. When they overtook Rapunzel, Hiccup grinned and yelled “See you later, loser!” She stuck her tongue out at him and scowled, but it melted into a toothy grin, and her laughter was overflowing with happiness. Hiccup wanted to save that image of her in his mental archive forever.

“We’re coming for you, Flynn! Prepare to see our behinds!” Fishlegs yelled and let out a high-pitched giggle.

“I love you guys, but that’s something I’d rather not see!” Flynn shouted.

Jack let out a scream of excitement and looked over his shoulder to see how close all of them were. Their sled whooshed through the snow, and Hiccup waved cheekily to Flynn, when they passed him by. Flynn narrowed his eyes and looked determined, but Hiccup changed his focus to the back of his boyfriend in that bright, blue jacket. Jack was getting very close to the end of the hill and Hiccup knew they only had a few moments to catch up with him. The lake was ahead of them, sprinkled with glimmering powder. Sometimes they fished there in the summer, sometimes they just sat by the water’s edge and complained about homework and other problems. In the winter, the lake was ghostly, a pale surface hiding dark depths.

“We can take him!” Fishlegs said. They were quickly gaining on Jack, so quickly they might be able to win. Jack’s confident eyes had taken on a worried expression, when he glanced back at them. Hiccup laughed. “Yeah, you better be worried!”

The end of the hill and the borders of the lake were darting towards them. They were so close to Jack, they could almost reach out and touch him. Flynn’s and Rapunzel’s laughter and taunts rang out behind him.

Crash.

Fishlegs’ body shot out of the sled in a blur. The sled jerked and whirled around. The world was spinning. His chest felt tight. He couldn’t breathe.

Crash.

He flew through the air. His arms rushed up in front of him. His bones slammed onto the ice. He cried out. Sharp pain. Dizziness. World upside down. He rolled over. The pain bit deeper into his skin. Delicate colors spun in his vision, a soft film over his eyes. Nausea shot through his throat, burning, bubbling.

“Hiccup!” Jack’s voice called out. It was like an icepick slicing through the softness.

Hiccup forced himself to sit up. His kneecaps throbbed, fragile and angry, like creatures clawing at the flesh and bone to get out. He groaned. His head felt like it had a dent in it, bone pressing in on his brain. The world was an incoherent mess of snow and cold; shimmering, white, swirling in strange patterns. He blindly raised a hand in the air. His palms were wet and icy. “I’m okay! I’m okay!” A sharp stinging shot through his arm. He looked at his sleeve, where a red blur seeped through the fabric.

“Get away from there!” Jack shouted. What direction did his voice come from? Hiccup couldn’t be sure. “Yeah, just a second!” he called back, trying his best to sound reassuring, so the others wouldn’t panic. He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, willing everything to stand still again. Shouting only made the sickening burn in his throat grow.

“No!” Jack said, “Get over here, now!”

A hot, wet trail slithered down Hiccup’s chin. He opened his eyes. The world had almost stopped spinning but it was still soft and pretty around the edges. Red drops splashed onto his jacket one by one. Hiccup felt clumsy and fragile, when he got to his feet. His knees were cracking glass, ready to crumble into a pile of bloodied shards under him any moment. He looked around him, trying to make sense of where he was. He had been flung a long way onto the lake. It hadn’t felt like that.

His friends were standing by the edge of the water, watching his every move. Hiccup didn’t fail to notice the firm grip Flynn and Fishlegs had on Jack’s arms. He spotted the discarded sled just a little further ahead of him. He stepped closer to it on unsteady legs, bones shaking under his weight. The ice looked soft and inviting with a delicate layer of white powder.

“FORGET THE FUCKING SLED, HICCUP!” Jack screamed and the sound was so powerful, so raw, so packed with fear that it jerked Hiccup out of his daze. He couldn’t make out Jack’s facial expressions, but his voice left no doubt.

He spun around and took two steps towards Jack and their friends.

A cracking sound. Deep and rumbling, like the split of a skull.

He didn’t take another step. Between his feet, a long crack in the ice stood out against the white; dark blue and deadly, a vein that could burst open and pull him into a freezing bloodstream. The sudden shot of fear erased all thoughts in his head. His chest was folding in on itself. Cramped. Shriveling. No room to breathe.

“HICCUP!” Jack’s voice was distant and muffled, like it was buried underneath the snow. Hiccup swallowed. His throat was raw and dry. His breaths were short and sharp but sounded so loud in his head. He looked at his friends in the distance. Flynn and Fishlegs were holding Jack back from running onto the ice. “HICCUP!” Jack wriggled and thrashed in their grips.

Jack’s desperation brought him back to reality. He took a deep breath. He had to be strong for Jack. He had to get through this. He had to focus. His lungs ached, like they were filled with the chilly water underneath his feet. He lowered himself to his hands and knees and laid down on his stomach. The cold wetness seeped into his clothes and skin. “You can do this,” he told himself, despite the fear whispering something else. He army crawled forwards, as slowly and carefully as possible. The stinging in his arm made it feel like the skin would burst open.

Another crack sounded to his left. He stopped breathing and watched the new lines splitting the ice open.

“NO! NO!” Jack screamed. The words were burning with anger, like he wanted to tear holes in the world to punish it for this. Hiccup’s hands shook, his freezing palms planted on the ice. He looked straight down, his broken breaths bouncing off the cold surface, the heat prickling on his chilly skin. He began to move again. His heart was a brick behind his ribs; heavy, stiff, foreign. It felt wrong.

Another cracking sound. He stopped, but this time he didn’t look. He heard Rapunzel gasp in the distance. Flynn and Fishlegs were saying something over and over to Jack. Hiccup’s eyes were fixed ahead, on parts of the lake that were untainted by lines that could lead him to his death, on parts that would bring him to safety, where Jack and his friends were waiting for him.

He crawled again. The stinging in his arm had dulled, the ice numbing his skin. Every second he didn’t hear another cracking sound, urged him to crawl faster. His shaking breaths pushed in and out, loud and broken in his brain like the crash of waves. He heaved his weight forward, ignoring the way the hard ice scraped against his burning knee caps. He was getting closer and closer to the others.

Another crack.

It was like a puncture in his chest, his lungs collapsing. The vibrations of breaking ice trembled through his foot. It must be near him. He looked ahead, crawling slowly to not disturb the ice. The time to get out of here was now. Every new crack in the ice could made it sink under him. There was something that rose and fell inside him, up and down, up and down; one moment it screamed with shaking anger, the next it whispered around choked sobs.

He saw Jack sink to the ground, his knees hitting the snow. His screams had faded from the air, like they were never there. Hiccup could hear him gasping for air. Flynn put his arms around him and held him tight. Everyone’s eyes stayed on Hiccup, terrified and unwavering, like they were expecting him to be eaten by the fragile ice and disappear into the dark water. Hiccup swallowed around his stiff breaths. He could tell they were holding themselves back. He knew he would feel the same, wanting to run out onto the ice but knowing it would make things worse. He felt so heavy, like his fear had sunk into his bones and pressed him further into the splitting ice.

He crawled over a rock and winced when it dug into one of his legs. He heard a clack and knew his prosthetic had hit it.

Another crack. Louder. Deeper than the others. Like his world was splintering. Hiccup held his breath and crawled faster. His body shook. Everything inside him was prickling and bleeding. He had to get away. Now. Maybe speed would work, if he still spread his weight out. His movements were wrapped in water; heavy, pressured, slow.

Jack’s breathing was desperate, the dry sounds rolling inside Hiccup’s head. He was close enough to see them better. Jack’s shaking body, the way his fingers clutched at his chest, how his eyes stayed fixed on Hiccup, panicked and infinite; it was enough for protectiveness to loosen Hiccup’s fear; to let it slide down his heart walls until it was a lesser feeling, a lower priority. Hiccup focused on Jack and the way his fear was painted into every inch of him. His freezing hands and knees pushed him forwards, the dull pain a vague presence in his mind, overshadowed by the need to hold Jack again, to tell him they’d still be together.

A crack; a sharp reminder that he was not in control anymore. That he didn’t get to decide whether they’d share more days together under the sky, listening to each other’s breaths, sharing the warmth of their skin, speaking soft words of love and sharp words of teasing.

The closer he got, the more Jack’s gasps for air were like muffled screams; sharp but muted, faded, the same as the winter colors around them. Flynn and Fishlegs didn’t take their hands off him. They spoke soft words to him that Hiccup couldn’t properly hear, while their eyes stayed on him at all time, watching him crawl closer and closer, risking plunging into freezing water. Rapunzel held her gloved hands over her mouth, the leather keeping words and screams inside her throat.

It felt like an hour before Hiccup reached the shore, but time is a trickster that shifts and molds itself after what you’re feeling. Hiccup’s head was spinning again, when Flynn and Fishlegs heaved him onto the ground. He collapsed in the snow, his arms and legs numb and weakened from the cold. He let out a breath, heavy with sweet relief and gratefulness. The suffocating pressure of fear was beginning to evaporate.

He tugged at Jack’s sleeve until his boyfriend was next to him. Jack’s chest was rising and falling at a frantic pace, and his eyes were wide and shining with tears. “I’m okay,” Hiccup croaked, using all his energy to sit up and pull Jack into his arms. His embrace shattered Jack’s last flakes of composure. He sobbed into Hiccup’s chest, shaking, heaving, unspoken words coming out as choked cries. Hiccup felt damaged; his body home to new rips in his flesh that would fade into white permanent reminders, his mind home to new strings of memory in the giant web. Jack and his friends had their own new strings too, spun from images and sounds and feelings they’d like to forget but couldn’t.

He locked eyes with Rapunzel. Her eyes always portrayed the way she lived; honestly, openly, compassionately. They were glistening with unspoken words. Tears flowed down her cheeks and she laughed, the sound light and sweet. Fishlegs put an arm around her and watched Hiccup with relief. Flynn came over to them and gave Hiccup a soft pat on the back before stroking Jack’s hair.

Hiccup’s fingers clawed into Jack’s jacket. After the initial surge of relief, he felt strangely empty, like his feelings had bled out through the wounds. The only things cutting through the numbness was his weariness, and his need to make Jack feel better.

Jack’s breathing didn’t slow down, it kept coming out in strangled, sharp noises that must be hurting his lungs. He didn’t look at any of them but kept his face planted in Hiccup’s chest. “Breathe,” Hiccup said, “Just breathe, it will be okay. Try to take longer and longer breaths,” he said, hoping his voice came off as reassuring and not worried.

“My parents,” Jack wheezed into his shirt, “My parents, they-, I-,”

“I know, I know,” Hiccup said, gripping him tighter with his freezing fingers. His wounded arm leaked blood onto Jack’s blue jacket, but he didn’t care. “It will never happen to you again. Never. I promise. Hey, look at me, look at me.”

Jack lifted his head. His face had gone even paler than usual, and his eyes were red from the tears. His mouth was parted, letting out the stream of broken breaths and choked noises. “I’m okay,” Hiccup said and put all his effort into making his lips curve into a small smile. Jack buried his face in his chest again, but he seemed to try his best to take deeper breaths.

“Just focus on our voices and Hiccup’s arms, Jackie,” Flynn said, his voice softer than Hiccup had ever heard it. It wasn’t often Flynn showed his emotional side, but Hiccup had no doubt that he loved all of them as family. “He’s safe now, nothing is going to happen to him, to any of us,” Flynn said.

Hiccup felt a weight on his shoulder and knew it was Fishlegs’ hand. It squeezed his skin and he appreciated the sentiment.

“Jack?” Rapunzel said, her voice gentle, “I need to look at Hiccup’s wounds to see if I have to bandage something before we take him to the hospital.”

Hiccup hadn’t even thought about treating his wounds yet, too occupied with being pulled onto solid ground and then finding himself wrapped around Jack’s shaking body. But he’d had a blow to the head and several bleeding wounds, so it would be stupid and risky not to get a doctor to take a look at it.

Flynn carefully pried Jack from Hiccup’s arms. Jack’s breathing turned shallower again, so Flynn put his arms around him and rubbed circles into his back. “I’ll be fine,” Hiccup said to Jack.

Rapunzel took quick strides towards him but slowed down right before she crashed into him. She carefully pulled him into an embrace. “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” she said.

“I’ll try not to,” he said.

“Hiccup, I’m so sorry!” Fishlegs blurted out, while Rapunzel rolled up his sleeves to look at the injuries on his arms,” If I hadn’t jumped off the sled when I did, you wouldn’t have been flung out on the ice and the ice wouldn’t have cracked and you wouldn’t have almost died and Jack wouldn’t have a panic attack and-“

“Fish, just stop, stop,” Hiccup said, “It’s okay. Just… what happened?”

“There was a huge rock under the snow,” Fishlegs said, “It threw us to the side and I jumped off, and then you crashed into another rock, so you were thrown onto the lake…”

Hiccup nodded. “It’s okay,” he said, the tiredness washing over him in stronger and stronger pulsations. This had pulled every spark of energy from his body and his mind. He felt worn down, frayed at the edges.

“This is going to need stitches,” Rapunzel said and frowned. Hiccup finally got a proper look at the gash in his arm. It was longer than he had expected and the skin around it was smeared in blood. Rapunzel opened one of the pockets in her thick jacket and pulled out some bandages. They all usually teased her about carrying around medical supplies, like she was expecting way more drama than their lives actually contained. Now though, it seemed she had been smart to carry it around. She would make an amazing doctor someday.

She pulled out some cleansing wipes and set to cleaning the wound on his arm. He winced when she brushed it over the ripped, bleeding flesh, a sharp sting shooting through him. After having cleaned and wrapped that wound, she examined his knees, where small but deep cuts littered the skin. Hiccup kept eye contact with Jack, making sure he knew it was going to be fine. Hiccup knew that this emptiness he felt inside wouldn’t last. Later, he would be hit with the emotional consequences of what had just happened. For now, though, he appreciated the lack of emotional turmoil. Flynn did a good job of making Jack calm down even more, talking to him throughout, telling him reassuring words and holding him close. By the time Rapunzel was done checking all his injuries, Jack had grown quiet, his breathing almost steady.  

“Several of these wounds need stitches and you could also have a concussion,” Rapunzel said, looking at him with that familiar, concerned expression she always had, when she felt like his health was at risk. He often saw it on her face, when he stayed up late into the night to work on an invention or when he had phantom pains.

“I know,” he said and rubbed the top of his head. It felt like a bump was starting to grow. “We need to go to the hospital.”

When they trudged through the snow to get to the bus stop, Jack broke out of his trance. He wrapped an arm around Hiccup’s waist and supported him, so he didn’t have to put all his weight on his knees. It was a relief, because his kneecaps were still weak and throbbing. They walked through the gleaming white in silence, only the cracking snow and their breathing filling the emptiness. Hiccup could feel the solemn tension around them. It flowed like a spring breeze, but it was clammy and suffocating like humid summer air. He knew they were all processing what had happened, trying to make sense of something that would never be logical. His legs stumbled and shook, but Jack kept him on his feet. When Hiccup could see the deserted road and the bus stop in the distance, Jack swallowed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, keeping his eyes fixed ahead.

Hiccup bit his lip. “Why?”

Jack shook his head. “I… I should have handled it, I should have been there for you before. Instead of breaking down like some toddler.” His voice was fragile with self-loathing and Hiccup couldn’t stand it. He burrowed his fingers deeper into Jack’s side. “Never say that again.”

“But-“

“No,” Hiccup said, a brief flare of anger rising inside him, aimed at those who had caused Jack enough pain through his life to make him so quick to blame himself. “Never say that and never think it.”

Jack sighed. It sounded thick with guilt.

Hiccup swallowed. “I’m probably not great at reassurance right now… My body feels like it’s going to collapse, and I don’t think I fully realize what just happened but…” Hiccup said, “Just… Don’t blame yourself, okay? None of this was your fault and most people who have gone through what you have would have reacted that way. You’re not a toddler, you’re just human.”

Hiccup had expected Jack to stay silent after that, stewing in his guilt until Hiccup would bring it up again, later, when he had been to the hospital and then slept for a long time. Instead, Jack glanced at him and said “I love you,” with a new kind of fragility, one that didn’t come from guilt but from a deep, soft appreciation.

Despite the pain in his body, despite the adrenaline wearing off and worrying about Jack, Hiccup let a smile take over his lips. “I love you too.”

“I’m so relieved you’re okay.”

“Me too,” Hiccup said, “I was really scared for a moment.”

“Yeah…” Jack said, his voice cracking, like just mentioning it was enough to steer him towards panic and self-loathing again, “But we’ll be okay. Right?”

“Yeah, we will,” Hiccup said without any trickles of doubt. He had Jack. He had his friends. He had Toothless waiting for him back home. He would get through the emotional outburst that would come later. Moments of freedom were rare, yes. And they didn’t always come from the laughter of friends or finally breaking free from expectations and rules. Sometimes, they flooded you with feathery nothingness, after you’d been bent and cracked and torn open. Sometimes, freedom was the quiet inside your head, the soft touches of stillness after fighting your way through yet another bitemark on your heart. Hiccup glanced over his shoulder. The lake was getting further away, nothing left behind of their presence but a blood trail over the ice and a broken, plastic sled.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, yes. I do love the angst. I hope you enjoyed reading it.


End file.
